Spirit’s been telling me for the past two weeks or so that I need to have more fun. All work and no play is a recipe for resentment so no thank you. At least I’m now able to recognize and avoid all things that could possibly lead to resentment or anything remotely similar. I love the little messages here and there like pulling a playful card or finding a random hotel key on the ground at work that reads more fun. So this past week I skated three days and Monday I took myself to the movies, Twisters which was fantastic. It’s very rare I have a Friday night off but my coworker needed to switch so last night I took myself to the fair.
While I guess you could say I’ve had fun, it’s also just a confirmation that fun doesn’t necessarily come from external activities and I’ll tell you why. Thursday after spending almost the whole day writing I thought maybe I’ll head to Knotts considering I haven’t been in a while. I don’t particularly care to go in the summer because one it’s hot and two it’s crowded. I’ve gotten to be a wee bit spoiled with an annual pass and only like to go when you basically walk onto the rides. I’ve also become spoiled to Huntington Beach weather because anything over 80 degrees and I become a total Nancy-pants about how hot it is. Meanwhile in Arizona it’s like silly crazy hot, I know, that’s why I say I’m spoiled. And don’t get me wrong either, I lived in Costa Rica so believe me I know what hot is.
I’ll be honest though, I was feeling a little ho-hum Thursday afternoon at Knotts. I wasn’t feeling it and I might even go so far as to say I was feeling a little, not lonely, but alone. I’m well aware that the journey I’m on requires me to spend a lot of time by myself and I certainly don’t have a problem with that. In fact, I am my favorite company but there comes a point when I really want to be having fun and sharing my time with let’s say, someone special. I’m tired of spending all my time alone, enough is enough. I give my hugs away all the time which is fine but it would be nice for someone to give me a hug. I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just a very affectionate person.
I also wasn’t enjoying my Panda Express like I normally do, I think it’s fair to say that’s probably the last time I’ll order it because it also doesn’t fit my eating habits anymore. I’ve really become more attuned to eating clean, I’m trying really hard to cut out all the processed garbage. The hardest part about that though is you’re hungry like two hours later and some of the processed garbage tastes really good.
Then there’s the parking sitch. I used to take the bus because I had to, now I don’t but used to take it anyway just so I don’t have to pay for parking. I’m grateful I can drive so I do but then I’m like do I park a couple blocks away at the restaurant I’m not eating at and walk it or suck it up and pay for parking. Sounds simple but I’m really fine tuning my do the right thing-thing. The last time I did park at the restaurant though the guilt ate me up alive and I couldn’t even enjoy the rides because I was worried about my car. At the last second I changed lanes because it was the right thing to do and I paid for parking. I was less than thrilled when it was thirty bucks. But at the same time, I have it so I can’t complain.
I’m actually at a place in my life where money isn’t an issue and I sometimes have to remind myself of that. My ego is still trying to hang on and I don’t know if that’s an endless process but it seems to be continuous, for now anyway so I’m actively working on it whether I like it or not. So imagine my disappointment when I only stayed in the park for maybe three hours. I wasn’t feeling it. I tried so hard to have fun but between the food, the heat and the solitude I was over it. And then I saw it.
I was walking back to my car all ho-hum and right when I was about to reach the vehicle I saw a single feather floating down from the Heavens with not a single bird in the sky. It was such a precious moment. Before I knew it there a smile on my face from ear to ear and I said out loud, “thanks guys.” I think I said no way first now that I think about it but it made me feel much better. It was my team of invisibles letting me know they see me, they hear me and they know exactly how I’m feeling. I’m also well aware there’s a lot happening behind the scenes and I just have to wait patiently. The feather was pretty incredible and it’s moments like that that make me feel like the luckiest broad alive. I caught that feather in flight and taped it to my journal.
Yesterday morning I was having a conversation with my buddy Andy at FVSC and I don’t know what brought it up but we were talking about my Knotts parking dilemma the day before and how I was fine tuning my do the right thing-thing. I also mentioned I have to catch myself at work sometimes with the little cheapy anklets when I just put ’em on and almost forget to pay the 70 cents, but I catch myself and pay it. He was like wow I’m not telling you I know how you live your life but if those are the things you’re worried about when it comes to doing the right thing, those are pretty small. He finished with saying he could only imagine all the much bigger things I’ve already overcome or accomplished, or something like that. He went on to point out the silver lining in how far I’ve come. It meant a lot and made me feel real good because I have come leaps and bounds. I’m still the same but completely different than who I was four years ago and I’m not even done.
Andy is another one of those I feel to be Heaven sent, or I must have a significant contract with. He has no idea how much our friendship means to me. He is the only person I really talk openly with about my journey. I don’t hold anything back because I don’t have to, he just listens. He’s probably more curious than anything because he certainly doesn’t ‘identify’ as a lightworker or starseed but if you ask me he kind of has to be in some way or he wouldn’t even be interested. Regardless he too makes me feel seen and that’s important. At the very least he doesn’t think I’m crazy because I know sometimes I do! He’s a cool guy, his girlfriend is very blessed to have such a good listener.
Love and Light