Like a rookie I found myself crying in the shower last night. Not really knowing where these feelings were coming from I let ’em flow, right along with the pent up frustration I was apparently also feeling. It’s not like I don’t know though, I just paid rent and I’ve gotta tell ya, it took a chunk of my remaining nest egg. After my upcoming bills get paid I will be left with I’m sure enough but it’s uncomfortable nonetheless.
I’ve been doing my best to not think about it all knowing I’m taken care of but at the same time keeping your focus off the obvious is a pretty tall order sometimes. I’ve been feeling like quitting my job was too good to be true too because I can’t help but want to go back, I didn’t have these feelings when I had a steady paycheck and what a simple solution that would be, but I also know I can’t. I’m here for much more than working retail not to mention what people think you have to do to earn a living.
That’s hard too though because now that people are finding out I’m no longer working on the pier they have questions. I’m not a fan of questions. Everybody wants to know what I’m doing now, yadda yadda yadda. I know they’re concerned (and curious) and that’s okay but I don’t have answers and people don’t understand that it’s okay to not know everything. It’s just a lot right now and is probably why Spirit literally has me in hermit mode.
At this point in the shower all I could do was say what I felt and then ask for help. I know better than to let doubts creep in but at the same time I can’t completely help it if they do. It wasn’t long before they sent some reassurance my way. I was laying on my bed watching Avengers because I was thinking I just wanna numb out and take my mind off everything when in reality I just have to let go of how I think it should all work out, along with not being bothered by what others think I should be doing.
It was shortly thereafter my tablet chimed in and as much as I didn’t want to look I grabbed it without thinking twice. It was a message from Spirit through Paul White Gold Eagle, a Buddhist teacher of some sort. He doesn’t cross my path often however I’m very familiar with his work…
Greetings starseed Earth angelics of the New Earth ascension. Keep climbing and rising into the holiest of holies, the highest one true infinite creator source energy you have always been and always will be. In our true nature of pure awareness we resolve all things perfectly and bridge Heaven and Earth through our sacred heart centers.
It’s time to take flight ground crew team of the 144. Spread your etheric angel wings and take your quantum leap of faith into the unknown future self and transform this realm into the paradise she has always evolved to be. It is your divine birthright to be sovereign and free and live in perfect health and joy.
That certainly made me feel better and definitely reminded me of who I am and why I’m here. For whatever reason though I still woke up at 2:44 this morning with the same feelings of doubt and frustration. Help me understand was all I could say with more tears in my eyes. And I kid you not shortly thereafter I hear my phone chime in. It’s on vibrate mind you and there was a good minute or two I wrestled with it cause I didn’t even want to look.
I’m sure my Higher Self then got a hold of me because I found myself getting up to get my phone and wouldn’t you know it, there was a message from Andrea, Truth Well Told Tarot, she had two Archangel Michael messages for me…
#36 Trust Your Angels
Let go of your expectations of how your dreams will come true and trust that Heaven has a perfect plan.
#33 This is a Blessing in Disguise
Be patient and have faith that your angels have this situation under control. What will come is far better than you dared to dream.
I mean, come on lol. Can’t argue with that, right? I went back to sleep and the only thing I recalled from a dream if you wanna call it that was seeing my tablet with the word TRUST lit up in neon. I get it but it still doesn’t change the fact that I went skating this morning and was still caught up in this stinkin’ thinkin’ mentality. It was starting to drive me a little batty at this point. Enough is enough.
Next thing I know my knee started hurting and I was like wtf, really? A little off the subject but it reminded me of when I was working for Stater Bros. It started when I was briefly living with my dad in Chino Hills returning from Costa Rica, my knee started hurting every time I went to work. I found it strange that it only hurt when I was working. Fast forward to briefly living with my brother three months later and transferring to the Stater Bros in Huntington. It wasn’t long before my knee started hurting again but only when I went to work.
Long story short I looked up the spiritual meaning of knee pain and I don’t remember exactly what it was but it was basically that I needed to quit my job. I did have a narcissistic bakery manager who even tried gaslighting me there at the end but having just come from my dads house on top of recently dating a narcissist, I wasn’t having any. I didn’t call her out but rather gave my two weeks instead. My knee hasn’t hurt since, until this morning.
I wasn’t even enjoying my skating and had finally really had enough. All I could do at this point was ask for help once again. I was already irritated with the fact that if I’m supposed to be preaching not to be in survival mode then why the bleep was I in it? Then my knee started hurting and that was it, I was pissed. All of these emotions are not like me now which is why it was making it so difficult to process. Fuck…please help me were the next words to come out of my mouth.
In almost the very next moment I felt this sense of calmness come over me and I was then hit with a download if you will, a flood of information permeated my brain which was how am I going to be able to help others get through their spouts of doubt if I haven’t been through it myself. It was a sense of relief but I’ll be honest I was also feeling like I’m over learning these lessons which is why I was then reminded it’s why I’m here. I was also guided to have an attitude adjustment and in the following moment a song came on that changed everything.
I wish I did but I don’t even remember what that song was now but it had me dancing in my skates and it was absolutely magical because I remember my mind being blown. Just like that the pain in my knee had vanished and I was feeling better, on every level. But wait, there’s more, even though I don’t normally go to church on the first weekend of the month I was feeling the nudge to go.
I don’t particularly care for communion Sunday, I no longer believe that you need to shed blood in order to wash away your sins. There’s a lot I no longer agree with, especially after finally taking my Paul Wallis and Billy Carson workshop but that’s a conversation for another day. I went to church anyway because it felt like the right thing to do. I did communion my way, I didn’t eat the wafer and simply said thank you for the grape juice.
It wasn’t long before I realized why I was there, the message was all about having doubts. It even solidified what I already knew and that’s that we learn from others peoples experiences so I’m hoping that me sharing mine will shed a little light not to mention hope. I’m here for humanity plain and simple and today I hope to restore a little faith in that humanity. Faith shows the reality of what we hope for, it’s the evidence of things we cannot see…Hebrews 11:1. Nice angel number too.
For the past eighteen hours or so every time I asked for help I got it, one way or another and thanks to all that help my faith has been restored and I’m now actively working on keeping my thoughts positive again. I have to dismiss those doubts as fast as they appear. Faith isn’t binary, it’s normal to fluctuate. Someone once said that without doubt we wouldn’t have a need for faith. I can tell you that I’m a true believer in everything I’m learning to be true but I can also tell you I was struggling, so I asked for help.
There’s many reasons to struggle with doubt. Perhaps you’ve experienced years of disappointment, circumstances may appear seemingly impossible, logic tells us miracles don’t make sense, or one of my biggest ones is having the patience to wait. I am in the biggest trust fall of exercising my faith muscles right this second. I have to take this quantum leap of faith and don’t get me wrong either, I want to, it’s just hard sometimes to throw logic out the window. It’s even harder to put your physical self in the back seat with your ego while you let your Higher Self do the driving with your conscious riding shot gun.
I’ve certainly had my fair share of disappointments but I must say none of them had anything to do with my leaps of faith or having everything I needed when I needed it. Spirit has had my back since the moment I let them in roughly four and a half years ago. I’m not sure what’s making this time around much harder than the last, if anything you’d think that by now I’d simply have faith knowing it’ll all work out. But I chose to come here and have a human experience like everybody else so these feelings of doubt and uncertainty are real and totally normal.
I’m finally back where I need to be (working on it anyway) and that’s thanks to all the help I’ve received from my team of invisibles. I think it’s important to recognize I was able to get that help because I had the courage to ask for it. (Three times but who’s counting?)
At the end of the day it’s mind over matter knowing that believing is seeing while mastering my mental muscles as well. It’s having faith that I will know what to do and when to do it.
Love and Light