I may be angelic but I’m still in human form having a human experience like everyone else. I’ve spent the last week feeling confused and angry. The more I try to dismiss my ego the more it wants to hold on and be in control, allowing the doubts and self-worth or lack there of to creep in. What makes it even more difficult for me is knowing I’m part of God’s special ground crew here on assignment and yet I still can’t help but to question why.
I’m still trying to be in control and I’m still not. My ego is hanging on with everything it’s got and I’m fighting that tooth and nail, but other than that I’ve been doing nothing and it’s driving me a wee bit bonkers. I haven’t read my Conversations with God because in the first forty pages I read two things that completely contradicted my current belief systems. On top of that, for the first time in four years I questioned my blog. My life is on blast and now I’m angry and want to know why. I’m still waiting on that response.
Every time I try and take control of my reality (which I’m told I’m in charge of) I’m cock blocked so to speak. I wanted to take Dolores Cannons past life regression training and I was diverted to pranic healing. I took the first level of that and then had this overwhelming feeling it’s not what I’m here to do. That’s fine and all but it’s driving me a little batty not knowing what it is I am here to do. I have to release control and that along with my ego is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I’m still trying to process it all. Now I guess I kind of understand that question in general. Perhaps that’s intentional, maybe not. I don’t know.
With everything going on in the world today my biggest question and what I really don’t understand is why there’s such a hard on to control society. Is it some kind of sick joke in this human species experiment for God to experience itself? Is this the ultimate shadow side of duality? Are the Jews that pissed off and on every level, and with good reason? I don’t know. Clearly at this juncture I need to be okay with not knowing and that’s a tough one for me too considering I’ve spent the last four years absorbing as much information as possible. Now I have to apply the brakes and that’s pretty challenging, especially for a (double) fire sign.
I’ve got this little yellow and gray bird (bottom right) right outside my bathroom window that for the past week has been trying relentlessly to get in. Is it not that bright and just confused from the reflection or now my brain works metaphorically whether I like it or not, is it God trying to get in because for the past week I’ve somewhat shut down, not necessarily rebelling but just in general and because I’m tired. I almost wanted to boycott my whole journey, now that I know where I come from, where I’m heading next, why the fuck would I want to be here trying to put this puzzle together with a bunch of people who are either still very much asleep or simply in denial at this point. I’m tired of the disappointments, the pesky tyrants, I’m tired of losing loved ones, I’m tired of not having the answers I want and then playing dumb with the answers I do have. I’m just tired.
I’m tired of transforming myself when I can’t see the results on a larger scale. I may have become a much better person but everyone around me still stays the same. I don’t get it, when do we get to see everyone go from a caterpillar to a butterfly? I mean I know I’m paving the way for a better future but will I even see the results from my ripple while I’m physically here in this lifetime? If not, that’s fine but at least tell me so I’m not banging my head against the wall with not completely understanding. And at the very least get me out of this town where I’m surrounded by so many people stuck in the service-to-self mentality. They’re everywhere, oh they all where masks of course but yay I’m blessed with the gift of seeing right through ’em, it’s a blessing and a curse.
Here I am the following day and I feel like I need to come up for air. Needless to say this past week has been rough for me. You know what’s awesome though? Even through all my recent tug of war turmoil, I still get my signs from Spirit and thank goodness because it’s still what keeps me going. And why wouldn’t I, just because it’s not always rainbows and butterflies doesn’t mean I don’t still receive the unconditional love from the Heavens and the Cosmos. This rollercoaster can get crazy, just two weeks ago I was on top of the world, but I’m telling you, the ego doesn’t like saying goodbye.
This is when it all changed though. I went from pissy britches to feeling seen and heard again. They never stopped loving me but I was feeling stuck. I was listening to Kid Rock’s song, Only God Knows Why because it’s exactly how I was feeling, it’s uncanny how accurate it felt. While I was reading the lyrics and listening to the song, this popped up…
I was like, whoa. Alrighty then. Exactly what I needed to see and definitely put a new spin on my perspective in that exact moment. And then the signs and messages started flowing again when in reality I’m sure they never stopped, I was just in the middle of a struggle and unable to see, or unwilling is probably a better word.
I mean come on. I’m still working on releasing my egoic tendencies, it truly is a process but it’s fair to say I’m out of my little pity party. Although that’s not a fair statement and I have to constantly remind myself to go easy on me because I’m doing my best and an ego death accompanied by another dark night of the soul is far from easy. Then writing about it and sharing it with the world making me all the more vulnerable is even harder and is why it’s taken me a few days to complete a post I should’ve started a week ago but instead started a couple days ago.
Truth be told I started this post the day before Easter and then started having my change of heart after service Easter Sunday. In fact today I actually listened to the service, I listened to the live stream after the fact. I didn’t actually hear the service in progress because I am a member of Voices for Hope (with it’s dual meaning) so I was backstage so to speak and not paying attention. I kept being nudged to listen to it and I’m glad I did, or at least I knew why I needed to.
Once a tenor, always a tenor singing in the back row with the boys. The sermon mentioned a lot of angel talk if you will, which isn’t usually a topic I would say the pastor touches on often. Christians (at my church anyway) don’t really see angels as more than messengers, compared to Catholics, if we’re comparing. I believe in all of ’em, Saints too, which is why I don’t really associate with “religion” anymore. I am a spiritual being believing in all things spiritual and divine.
Anyway, he preached about angels which like I mentioned was somewhat out of the norm but to me was everything I needed to hear because, again to me, it was Spirit talking directly to me and just reminding me of who I am and what I am and a little taste of why I’m here, and for that I say thank you. He mentioned the angel (somewhere in Matthew) that was there when the two Mary’s were at the (empty) tomb and the angel’s face was described as “lightning.” One of the first set of cards I pulled from my sign language deck was lightning, along with magic, and the word now. Pretty cool after the fact on that too.
Then tonight as I’m wrapping up my post I received a notification for a YouTube shorts. A shorts from Secret Shaman Oracles and this is what she (or they) had to say…
You are a special person, you do make a difference (so don’t question yourself)
You are being guided by unseen forces so have faith (all is well)
Focus on your dreams. Allow the power of manifesting to start now (you have all you need to be a success)
Positive changes are taking place. Be patient.
Every being has free will. Stop trying to control the situation (or figure something out. Let go. Let it be and let God)
Let it go and let God. My last post said exactly that. I’m telling ya, more often than not I write about something only to see it or hear it again in another way somewhere else shortly thereafter. I’m not sure exactly what that means but check out my current word count along with all the other angel and master numbers. Cool stuff.
I also received a channeled message from Jesus, but that’s a post for another day.
Love and Light