I watched another beautiful soul transition to a better place, this time literally. I held is hand as he mustered the courage to go Home. It was bitter sweet as he spent a grueling ten days in ICU with no signs of improvement halfway through. I didn’t miss a day, sometimes twice a day to do my best as a sister, his own personal CNA and a beacon of Light. I will forever cherish those precious moments we were able to share in those first few days where he was still coherent enough to respond and communicate. John could be very funny when he wanted to be and he had me laughing quite a few times. He was kind and generous to most and most of the time and will truly be missed.
I will be forever grateful we were able to make amends as we weren’t on speaking terms for the past year. My brother and I did share a special bond of course but we were either really good or really not. We were so much alike and yet so different all at the same time. When I received the phone call that he was in ICU I headed straight for the hospital. I have to admit I was nervous because I wasn’t sure how he would react to me being there but in my mind it didn’t matter because at the end of the day he was my brother and we were all we had left.
I said in my most compassionate self, “John Henry, it’s your sister, what’s going on?” I could see his face tense up and knew he was agitated at my presence which was understandable for a number of reasons. I leaned down and said, “I am not mad at you, you did exactly what you were suppose to do. I love you. As far as I’m concerned we wipe the slate clean and move forward. I love you, I fucking love you.” And with this little boy voice, his inner child if you will, he responded with, “okay.”
On the tenth day it was almost as if he waited for us. I had a dentist appointment mid-day and after spending a better part of the morning bedside, Jun (his roommate of twelve years) and I headed out for some lunch and my dentist appointment. We returned around 2 o’clock and when we entered his room I could feel my heart drop heavy into my chest and it’s almost as if I knew it was closer than I anticipated. My eyes swelled up with uncontrollable yet silent tears and it was at this point when I wanted more than anything for him to just be at peace.
I spent the next ten minutes kissing his forehead, rubbing his face and stroking his beard and telling him how much I loved him. I told him I was so sorry he was having such a hard time and that I had no idea. I didn’t anticipate the next things to come out of my mouth, they just did. I told him mom was waiting for him, Uncle Steve is waiting for you, they’re all waiting for you. It’s okay to go Home, don’t be afraid to go Home because they’re all waiting for you. I told him nobody was mad at him and kept reminding him they were all waiting for him. In the ten days prior I hadn’t felt the need to hold his hand but in that moment I told him I was going to hold his hand whether he liked it or not and that’s exactly what I did. My brother was not a hand holder for the record lol. I grabbed his hand with both of mine and sat quietly crying as I watched his vitals. I feel like for the first time in his life he actually listened to me because however many minutes later I noticed his oxygen drop by ten, then another ten and another. When it dropped to fifty I called for his nurse. Before I knew it he was in full blown code blue cardiac arrest. Jun and I huddled right outside the door as I couldn’t watch them perform CPR.
They were able to revive him but the nurse warned me the adrenaline, I’m guessing that’s what they did to his heart because I don’t recall paddles, would ware off and it would happen again. Honestly, it all happened so fast. In that moment they asked and again I said without even thinking, “let Gods will be done” and signed a DNR. They cleared the room and Jun and I were bedside with him for the following ten minutes. I knew his soul had ascended and he was exactly where he wanted to be which was surrounded by white light and in the presence of all his passed on loved ones. It was bitter sweet as I was going to miss my brother but I felt so much comfort and was at peace knowing he too was at peace and more importantly was reunited with our beautiful mother.
If people really knew what happened when we died it would be something that was embraced rather than feared. Death is rebirth and is actually one of the most beautiful things to be experienced. For many this whole situation would be categorized as quite traumatic, and in many ways it was, especially all the events leading up to it of course. But for me it was also a beautiful thing and I’m sure the fact that I have an unexplainable deep knowing of what really happens when we die, that has something to do with it. And for that I say thank you. Earth is a school for the soul and John was having a hard time and had been for longer than most really knew and now he is at peace. Thank you.
I love you John Henry Parker. It’s not forever it’s just for now and until me meet again my brother.
Love and Light