When it comes to journeys there’s so many layers it’s easy to lose your place as you start to peel ’em back. One of the main layers in a personal journey is discovering who you truly are. And for the first time in my life I feel like I truly am. Never in a million years would I have labeled myself an artist. I’ve certainly been a lot of things, and called even more, but artist isn’t a word that I would have identified with. And I have to say it feels pretty effing good.
The cheerleader (eighth grade), Homecoming Queen, detention queen, Thespian, swimmer, Miss Placentia (1st runner up), the alcoholic, a thief, the partier, a cheater, the student, a vagrant, a student some more, the free spirit, the black sheep, the wife, to name a few. While they were all me, sure, at the same time they weren’t. Most of ’em were to appease other people and for the first time in forty six years I’ve stepped into who I truly am and doing what it is I really want to do and the best part of it all is I did it for ME! I’m a jewelry maker, a writer, a poet, a blogger, a publisher, a life long learner, a leader, a human lie detector lol, a healer, a child of God, and now an entrepreneur and let me tell you something…it feels fucking phenomenal. And let’s not forget a daughter her mother can be proud of.
I think a part of why it feels so good is because a lot of people wouldn’t have given me a chance or even a tiny bit of credit. It’s really sad when the only people you want approval from can’t even believe in you a little. That’s okay though because at the end of the day the only person you need approval from is yourself. Those who won’t or can’t believe in you or don’t want what’s best for you are more than likely a wee bit jealous of you. Similar to those who don’t like hearing the truth cause those are the ones who find it easier to live a lie. Or be a narcissist.
Leaps and bounds from who I thought I was a year and a half ago, and you know what’s funny, a lot of people don’t really like the new me. But that’s okay too because I DO! It didn’t come easy, that’s for sure. So many times I’ve wanted to quit, last night included because I just can’t take anymore of the heart ache or the betrayals or the bread crumbs that family has to offer. But you know what keeps me going? My faith (which I’d be lying if I said that hasn’t waivered too) in my spiritual journey that I KNOW my mothers working tirelessly behind the scenes for. My mother, through all the bullshit labels I’ve been, always believed in me and never once gave up on me and I’ll be damned if I’m not going to show her the same respect and unconditional love.
What I don’t understand and have questioned is why the fuck didn’t I turn out to be a narcissist? I’ve got a laundry list of childhood trauma to add to the other list including being molested at like seven, then again at seventeen and eighteen and yet again when a roommate took it upon himself to take advantage when I was passed out. I could claim abandonment too because shoot I was a child of divorce. While I’m not third in line so my “third child syndrome” doesn’t apply, I was the last child and yet I don’t feel the need to belittle people or crave attention on a negative level. I guess it’s all about your mental stability which is ironic in and of itself cause there’s a shit ton of people who think I’m fucking nuts. I’ll admit I’m a little cray cray sometimes but I’m also tons of fun and don’t require meds.
I’m actually quite the opposite of those ugly labels and am extremely proud of who I’ve become and I’m only getting better. It takes a lot of courage to walk the path I call mine and even more strength to forgive and still hold compassion for those who hold no value in me a person. Especially when it’s the ones you love. But it’s cool because the biggest lesson of ’em all yet on my journey is the one where I realize my own value and self worth and it just reiterates that in the end I’m all I need. Bye bye codependency woot woot.