I was like twenty seven or twenty eight, in a relationship with Omid Mohseni and living in Laguna Hills, California. We were together for like five years and had just moved into our first, it was a duplex, and we were happy. I was having what I thought was a tummy tack when he was leaving to go to his parents. He felt bad and didn’t want to go but I told him there was nothing he could do for me, I just had to ride it out and encouraged him to go ahead and so he did. Well that tummy tack, which usually lasts no longer than 45 minutes turned into a twelve hour ordeal.
After he returned I left the bedroom and spent the rest of the ordeal in the living room. For the rest of the night and into the morning I rolled around on the floor and in between cramping I got up and walked around the room but now not only was it my stomach that hurt but my back felt like someone put me over their knee and snapped my body in half. The pain was atrocious but there was nothing I could do.
Unbeknownst to me I was pregnant. I had no idea. I was one of those who had no idea, I know, I’ve always been like how the bleep do you not know??? I didn’t. What I did know is I was partying like I was a rock star and couldn’t help but to think that’s what caused the miscarriage. That’s what I thought anyway, but now I know God had other plans for that baby because He had other plans for me too.
After twelve agonizing hours of labor I passed a sack the size of an eggplant. I felt something coming and managed to get myself to the bathroom where out it came and into the toilet. I don’t recall the moments verbatim as it was all a long blur but what I do remember is fishing the sack out of the toilet and putting it on ice in a small ice chest. Sounds barbaric I know but I didn’t know what to do really. So I called my mom first and her and my dad were on their way and then I called a friend of mine next. Sammie was a Registered Nurse and he came right over and confirmed that it indeed was a miscarriage. Sad to say but at the time I didn’t have insurance and never went to the hospital or the doctor for it.
Since then I knew in my heart I can’t have babies and in my relationships to follow never used contraceptives and never got pregnant either so today I know I wasn’t meant to have babies in this lifetime and that’s okay. Besides the way I look at it I wasn’t mature enough to have babies then and now that ship has sailed. And again, that’s okay.
Now that I think about it I’ve experienced quite a bit of loss. I’m not looking for sympathy because it’s all for purpose but damn it’s a lot. And I’m feeling the need to share and can’t help but to know that it’s somehow a big part of my healing process (I’m gonna blame Enigma lol) so here it goes.
*My high school sweetheart, Dennis. The breakup was a mixture of long distance understandable to a very unfortunate mishap and/or misunderstanding that I still to this day carry the burden of lies for. I’ll never forget the “Christmas present” I got that year from his dad. We were together for about six years, broke up in ’97 or ’98.
*Popo, my moms father, the most amazing man I ever knew who passed away from asbestosis. I was playing pool at Kelly’s Corner Tavern with Dennis and my brother in 1997 when we heard he was gone.
*A baby in I don’t know 2003-ish.
*Nathan, my cousin who committed suicide in I think 2010. He was an amazing human being and is so very missed to this day. I had JUST moved to Colorado, I was thirty and was only there for a couple months when I got the news. It hit HARD on more than one level and for more than one reason but can’t today, I will discuss that another day. That’s when my alcohol “turned” on me and was the beginning of a decade on the merry-go-round from hell.
*Romo, a good friend of 10 years in Colorado. We worked together at RRCC and I considered him a bestie. He was wrongly accused of sexual harassment and while I believed him (and I really did, he was Romo but what he was accused of wasn’t right) but he left the state and our friendship too. Just like that.
*Jennifer, another good friend from Colorado who’s children were actually gonna be in my wedding. Right as I started planning it, BOOM, her and her family up and left to Belize and she dropped me like a bad habit, just like that too. I was devastated because they were both within weeks of each other.
*Shannon, an even better friend in Colorado. I watched her deteriorate over a year. Every weekend for a year I’d visit her in the hospital, she had duodenal cancer. She asked me to be there when she passed but I couldn’t do it, it was too hard. I was there right before but had to leave. I’m sorry Shannon. Her mom helped me with my wedding dress and her husband Tony is the friend who started the technical side of my blog for me and I’m still close with him today but I do need to call him cause it’s been a while since I’ve taken over those duties.
*Dana Tomsons, who I called my friendship soulmate (and partner in crime) before I really new the definition of a soulmate. This one hit me hard as I loved her like a sister, more than a sister. I’ll never forget the night I found out, don’t even remember who called me but I couldn’t get there in time. My mom and dad just happened to be in the same town she was in which was Santa Barbara I think and were there with her the night she passed. My mom later told me it was a good thing I wasn’t there because it didn’t even look like her. Dana too was supposed to be in my wedding, it was a couple months prior when I had to change the plans again. The wedding was November 17, 2018.
*My beautiful mother, and I thought Shannon and Dana were hard. I even made a comment more than once to more than one person that those two were preparing me for an even bigger loss. Fuck, if I only knew. Damn, now that I type it, I think I somehow did know, kind of like I somehow know other shit today. That’s pretty fuckin’ deep. Wow.
*Phillip, my “husband” (I’ll explain the quotations another time) the only man who truly let me be me. While I knew I had to go it was still extremely difficult on so many levels and I loved him very much. I knew I was losing a good man in that aspect. I had my awakening and had to go but he also had his own shit he needed to figure out. At the end of the day deep down I knew he wasn’t a bad person, just a person who had dealt with a lot of bad circumstances and me leaving brought all the suppressed shit to the surface. I’m so sorry Phillip. I left him in August of 2020 and the country in March 2021.
*My dad. Didn’t see this one coming. Didn’t see ANY of ’em coming really, but this one I really didn’t see coming and probably cause, I don’t even know how to answer that right this second.
*I haven’t “lost’ my brother but I have to distance myself for more than one reason but I will leave it alone for now too. And that’s just the loss but it’s enough for now. I’ll save the abuse of physical, emotional and mental for another day.
I woke up at 3:25am again this morning. So I got up, made some toast and grabbed a strawberry smoothie and listened to my messages which compelled me to write this article. I’m at the end of my healing cycle, I can feel it and by writing this I allow myself to let go of these hurts that I’ve carried with me throughout my life and never really shared before. I can now rejuvenate even more and let my heart heal. Clear my vibes and protect my energy and get ready for the rebirth of a new beginning. I’m never less than amazed at how accurate these messages are and how the synchrones are just off the chart.
The strongest messages were these…
Speak your truth lol
Do something you’ve never done before. When you do something you’ve never done you get something you’ve never had. I’m pretty sure a good friend of mine, Eric Hargrove, recently told me to do that too, thirty days in a row
Don’t hate, meditate (the only thing I would hate if I did is that word)
The darkness allows the light to shine for me to navigate and in turn help guide others
Wise leader and student of life
Communicate to those who are listening
Travel..yassssssss lol
Financial stability…yassssssss lol
Angelic healing, believe in magic
Bring it
Beach bound to meditate after a nappy-poo
Love and Light
Sia has helped change my life, I absolutely adore her and this song is awesome.