It has become crystal clear that I’m meant to be alone and by that I mean all I need is me. I don’t need a man to complete me and I don’t need friends and/or family to feel whole. It’s funny because that’s what they’ve been saying all along and it’s no surprise I needed to learn it my way and usually the hard way, which is fine. And from this point forward I’m not holding back anymore and I’m just gonna call it like I see it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve dealt with (almost) every toxic personality trait and on every level and with every person. I’m a wee bit over getting the short end of the stick though when I’m nothing but nice. But it’s also become clear there’s people who aren’t liking my presence as much as I’d hope because I see things for what they really are. I see right through most of the illusions and the masks that people wear. As time goes by and I’m becoming all the wiser, I’ve also become a bit of a human lie detector and I don’t need the art of deception to achieve it. For some reason people aren’t liking that very much. Nobody likes to be called out, myself included, which is why I’m trying to live my best life as authentically as possible. Is it easy? Hell no, but it is imperative.
As a Heyoka Empath I tend to be a mirror to people and it’s the ones who have something to hide or have a less than attractive characteristic trait that don’t particularly care for my company. For example my dad and now my brother. I’ll keep it simple because I’m not a fan of gossip and that’s not what I’m trying to do. What I am trying to do is encourage people to be accountable for their actions and behaviors. These are two very stubborn individuals stuck in the 3D world and may or may not come around and evolve as that’s on them not me. I’m only in charge of my own actions and accountability and a person who’s no stranger to addiction I’m very familiar with this concept.
I don’t think it’s right though that I’m the one who gets to be the punching bag when all I wanna do is love, spread kindness and engage in activities that spark joy. While both are a necessary component to my spiritual evolution, it doesn’t necessarily mean they need to be an active part in my life. It pains me to have to think that way but it is what it is. Perhaps if they cared a little bit more it wouldn’t even be an issue but it’s obvious they don’t. Maybe on the surface but you know the cliché, beauty is only skin deep. I’m the one who feels the hurt all the way to the core and needs to spend the time and energy healing from it. One of main things spirituality likes to encourage is releasing and letting go of things (people, habits, thought processes and old belief systems) that no longer serve you. And in order for me to move forward in my journey that’s exactly what I have to do. Sometimes the juice isn’t worth the squeeze but at the end of the day I am.
I’ve been wondering why so many toxic situations have crossed my path in the past year and a half and I’ve finally found the answer which begins and ends with me. Like I’ve mentioned I can’t control their behaviors and that’s fine but what I can do is realize that these behaviors are to help me understand the things I need to work on. My self-worth and my self-esteem. From the outside looking in it wouldn’t appear that way and to be honest I didn’t know I really had that big of an issue either but clearly I do and I’m a work in progress but am well on my way to gaining my confidence and learning to be okay with who I am.
My ears just started ringing like a mofo, damn. It is 2:41am though. My sleep patterns stink right now.
I can’t please everybody and shouldn’t feel the need to have to. People pleasing was a big problem for me and is hard to correct but when I think about it, walking on egg shells to keep the peace sucks even more. I still do my best to have compassion and forgiveness because nobody is perfect but I am trying to perfect the art unconditional love and you can’t do that without those two key factors.
